Another year has gone and we’re onto the new.
If you ask me, 2016 had been my “idk” year. It had been the year I didn’t have a goal, a destination, or at times, it felt as though I didn’t even have a purpose. I just went about living each day separately, one at a time, accepting whatever came at me. Soaking in life as it passes by and learning about myself. Gone was the version of me who had to be good, accepting and whole.
For the first time I let myself spill all my imperfections and embrace them one by one. I stopped feeling guilty after every large fries, slice of pizza, chocolate cake …you name it. I stopped. I simply stopped depriving myself and feeling like a complete piece of shit for eating what I want to eat. Because I accept that I’m only human (who loves food). I stopped feeling shy or embarrassed to chow down in front of other people. Seconds? Don’t mind if I do. I stopped insecurities telling me I can’t wear a bikini because I’m “fat”. I began loving my body like never before. It’s like I woke up one day and felt real good that I look the way I do, no matter what the weighing scale said. The confidence that I gained by simply loving my body doesn’t compare to the feeling I had when I worked my ass off and deprived myself from all the donuts and the better things in life. Of course it’s not always chocolate syrup and rainbow sprinkles on top, there are days when I wished for a fitter body and a healthier lifestyle. But the lesson learned here is that I didn’t need to feel ashamed for wanting to eat and feeling like a fatass if I ate more than everybody else. Don’t ever make yourself feel horrible for indulging, for loving food and for being quirky little you. Learn that everything is OK, and all the negativity is only in your head. Because the truth is, everybody else is busy thinking about themselves. Know your worth, wear red lipstick, put on your best Donna Paulsen face and tell them “Take me as I am, or don’t take me at all”.
Last year I found out that I was extremely stubborn, and brutally emotional. I hurt people who loved me because of my smart mouth. I let myself get way out of hand because I was tired of being nice, being the bigger person. I was tired of understanding people; I wanted people to understand me. All of those traits thrown together makes for a very bitchy and tasteless me. I’m not proud of how much I let myself spin out of control– but I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. Despite the struggle I had dealing with myself, at the end of it all there’s always an important message. Had I not let that over-emotional-savage damsel in distress in me take over, I wouldn’t know the true significance of being the bigger person. That most of the time, people who struggle only want to be understood. That lending an open ear, giving a big hug and a hand to hold means the world. In the end, I can only thank God for teaching by showing and blessing me with experiences to gain knowledge for life.
But what’s a year without the fun? I flew by the seat of my pants and it led me to priceless experiences and stellar people. I joined a softball rec league (like what? I can sports?), I became more vocal and made friends so much easier (insert turtle coming out of its shell gif here), I found out that I get sick of eating the same food for more than 5 times, I started working at two new jobs and I love both, I actually love hotdogs and soup, I love me a day at the batting cages, a picnic at the park with the love of my life, spontaneously going on the slingshot with my better half, vlogging, finding love for board games, discovering new found love for baseball, travelling with my bestest friend/boyfriend. Most importantly, I am a fucking twenty year old who is beginning to accept and get accustomed to the adulting thing people call it. I’ve never adulted so much more than I did in 2016 and I am proud, considering the inner 12 year old that I am.
I’m still going to soak in life, take it one day at a time, but this time I have a goal, I have a destination and I most certainly have a purpose. I’m ready for ya, 2017.